​What is the meaning of that four letter word? It’s the word you long to hear when you think you’ve found ‘the one’. Yes that word is love, which I’ve decided stands for………. Lots Of Validation Externally or Lustful Obsession Vulnerability Expectation. A word at times I hate. It’s not like there is anything necessarily wrong with the word, it’s what it means. What it means has different interpretations. What is love? The definition in the Oxford Dictionary; a very strong feeling of affection. A strong feeling of affection linked to sexual attraction. A great interest and pleasure in something. A person or thing that you love. (In tennis, squash, etc.) a score of zero. Wow how apt, definitely a score of zero if you don’t express the words “I love you” when your other half expects you to! How can such a small word be so big, that it holds so much weight and has such a profound impact? A seemingly benign expression, that can be wielded like a weapon, a cause of woe and undoing. Going from warm and fuzzy to devastation and destruction. It can be used to manipulate, it can make or break. It is a word that can be exposing and make you feel vulnerable, connected or disconnected. It’s a word that can control and take your senses, “if you really love me you’ll…..”. It’s also a word that can make you feel full of worth, wanted, wonderful; it’s affirming. Maybe that is why I struggle with the concept of the word, it can turn, it’s on the edge, it’s close to the line. It can induce shame and humiliation in an instant. It can turn friends into enemies, lovers to haters.
 
For some saying the word comes easily, for others not so much (I’m in the latter obviously), which can become an issue due to the expectation of if it’s said, it needs to be said back. Does speaking it add gravitas to the authenticity - I think not - but I suppose it depends on the individual. There are folk who show love in their actions, in a look, in the way they are, what they say and how they say it. You can feel it. Yet they never have that word pass their lips.
 
The word causes so much angst. What does it mean? There are people who associate love with the showering of material goods. There are some who see love as the cup of tea their other half brings to their bedside each morning. The meaning of the word love brings expectations which aren’t necessarily the same as your other half’s. Those expectations can mean having to say the words “I love you” to your partner not just every day, but numerous times a day. Is that necessary? Does it then just become a phrase that is reeled off unthinkingly? By that point the declaration has usually gone to “love you” not even carrying the personalisation and sentiment of the preceding “I”. Removing the I is like removing yourself, removing the meaning, taking the depth and heart away. To me if you’re going to say it authentically, say the whole three words!

Before we get into this, I am talking about how women respond to men when men show emotion. Okay I can already hear shouts of “traitor!” and feel the stabs of pain as someone takes strikes at me through a Voodoo doll! Yes I know it’s not all women, but come on ladies be honest, sometimes we are downright awful! Men are human, they should to be able to acknowledge emotional hurt and express this without being ridiculed or made to feel lesser than. When they turn to us for a shoulder to cry on, we should offer up said shoulder, not shoulder barge them out the way as you whisk yourself out the room muttering “I’m not dealing with this”. From my perspective women definitely have a part to play in discouraging men from sharing their feelings and we definitely confuse matters.
 
As women we are brought up to believe when we find a man he’ll be strong, he’ll protect and defend us. But what about feelings? We want men to put that comforting arm around us and wipe our tears away. We want them to be considerate, we want them to be kind. Especially when we are upset. Now let’s think how some women respond when men look for the same. Do you give your man that look of contempt when his tears appear? Do you think he’s weak? Do you question his masculinity? Do you start to think you’ve not signed up for this and develop a lesser opinion of him? I wonder how many women when going through some sort of emotional episode use those three words, “he doesn’t understand”. Now ladies, the question is, do you understand? Do you understand how hard it can be for men to open up when all around it is drummed into them to do the complete opposite? Being supportive and understanding offers connection, ways to deepen your relationship. Surely that is important, it is a partnership after all. If your response is negative, then your partner is hardly going to consider you their go-to person. So sit back to reflect before you get offended and uppity. It’s devastating to feel lonely in a relationship. So when you ask your man what is wrong and he’s not sharing any offering, consider how you have responded in the past. You may have shut him down and induced feelings of hurt, shame or inadequacy. It can be destructive to your relationship, even driving you apart. Surely you don’t want that.
 
Ladies don’t you feel sometimes you can be wearing a mask, keeping things in and painting on a smile so others can’t see what is happening inside. That awful struggle and conflict. Well that can happen to men too. While we’re given carte blanche when it comes to emotions, men are not. I know there are women who also struggle to share, but ultimately when it comes to expressing feelings the door is open for us. Men are under immense pressure to keep it all in, an intrinsic part of being a man, because that’s a societal expectation, and it could have even started with their mothers. Carrying that build up of stress and emotion, eventually something has to give. As we are aware there can be dire consequences. Although men’s mental health is getting more airspace, there is still a way to go. I say again, men are human. Let your man know you’re there for him, don’t push and interrogate. As women we need to listen, show patience, encourage and support. We also need to consider our position towards males as mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, sister-in-laws, friends and colleagues. You get my drift.
 

I was thinking about how it can be in a relationship. How much do we compromise and when does it enter into the arena of becoming unhealthy? So many of us stay with people even though it’s detrimental to our total wellbeing and sense of self. This could be through the fear of leaving, fear of change, threat to life, financial security, fear of being alone or believing we will never find anyone else. We may even feel our identity is entwined with the other person. There are endless reasons and it’s quite overwhelming when you think how common this situation is. Sometimes it takes a long while before we see the light, because we’ve been made to feel so worthless and absorbed a truth that is not our own. Sometimes we don’t ever see it as this becomes our normal, sometimes it’s very subtle. Worst of all it is dressed up as love - that little word has a lot to answer for! But this is it, we hold out because we want connection, we want to feel wanted. How many times when you’ve just ignited a new relationship have you sat waiting for a call or a text but been left hanging? How many times have you been let down by the oh so familiar “something came up”? How often has this scenario been forgiven and forgotten? This is just a small area in the vast sea of compromise and an example of how soon on it can start in a relationship. We sometimes compromise our sanity and our safety, or is it they are compromised?
 
Do we consider setting out boundaries and expectations when entering a relationship? I for one haven’t in the past and the consequences haven’t been great. But how do we know to do that, where do we learn such things? It definitely doesn’t happen by watching the films on Movies 24 (I know, I can hear you judging me). Much can be said on this whole matter, there are plenty of angles, levels and perspectives. Maybe that’s a conversation for another day. Obviously I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, some are happy in their relationships, even if it may appear to be unequal, one compromising more than the other. Perhaps they don’t see it as so, maybe it isn’t. After all we never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. As I was putting pen to paper the following took shape. Not quite like my usual offerings, but you know what? I decided to go with it. An observation and reflection of my own previous experience, but I’m sure some can relate (no it's not the ex-husband).
 
To you I am nothing, no substance, just a ghost,
Undermined and dependant is the way you like me the most.
Protector you say but that’s just not true.
You ridicule and criticise everything I do.
Disguise things as joke, but still all the while,
Trying to diminish me as you give your smile-less smile.
You make gestures that are kind, but they are to keep me in my place,
As soon as an opportunity arises you throw it back in my face.
But you know what I see and you will never admit?
It’s you who is the one who feels they don’t fit.
You crave adoration, with you all must agree,
There’s a world outside your own, and you don’t know how to be.
I sense your fear and I see the confidence you lack,
Always trying to prove your point, ‘cause you think no one has your back.
You can turn on the charm and be a real pleasure,
Such a shame you don’t realise true connection is something to treasure.
Always so defensive, that wall has become immense,
Shooting out your venom to others, you expect them not to take offence.
You may find life a challenge, you may feel misunderstood,
To project it onto others will never come to good.
I’ve been patient, I’ve encouraged, a bond I’ve tried to build,
I’ve given you space to be your true self; will you ever be fulfilled?
You are not my responsibility and no you are not owed,
This ending is the consequence of the seeds that you have sowed.
I won’t ingest your insecurities or continue to hold your stuff,
There comes a point when really, enough is enough.
I’ve taken this chapter and rather than place blame,
I’ve used the whole experience to fuel my rise like a Phoenix from the flame.
 

Please make it stop, it’s almost become a bad habit! I realized I have spent an inordinate amount of my time inhaling self-help books. I love them, I love reading about the methods and strategies that others have acquired, how they have fulfilled their dreams and we can fulfil ours. However where has that left me? As I said reading self-help books, and then reading the self-help books the self-help authors have read or recommended. All the while idiotically believing I’ll be taken through my desired path. All that money. Which I have happily contributed. A quick search on the ‘world wide web’ will show you just how financially vast this industry is. All that time! Time I have frittered away, all the while not fulfilling my own dreams and aspirations. Don’t get me wrong, clearly there is a market for this genre and what is better than a real life feel-good story. The crux though is to put those motivators in motion. As I know only too well, nothing will change and nothing will happen if you don’t start doing. It’s not enough to ‘think’ things into action. Yes I love that sense of euphoria and elation on finishing a motivational read, all buoyed up. No I’m not naming any - need to break the cycle. Then what happens? Read some more, recite the affirmations like an incantation. Six months later I see I’m no further down the line with my life, having changed absolutely bugger all.
 
Yes the self-hindrance, I can practically see it start to surround me like a malevolent mist and I breathe it all in. Gradually I slide back to my default of overthinking, over analysing, actually just plain old procrastination, which to some degree is fuelled by reading said self-help tomes. What I’ve learnt is I don’t have that “go get ‘em” attitude but I knew that anyway and I am a coward. I like the thought of being able to reach my dreams and convincing myself I’m taking the steps to get there, arming myself with the necessary tools. Really I’m too scared to put myself out there, too scared to take that leap of faith! So come on people, don’t be like me, especially if you read those books, don’t forget the doing bit and don’t forget to help yourself!
 

​I have been reflecting on the impact this phenomenon can have as I was metaphorically slapped in the face when a revelation recently swept over me. My marriage ended and yes it was down to me on official records, of course we were both to blame but I released the guillotine. Thinking back to when our union began, I carried this sense of gratitude that he chose to be with me, almost as though I didn’t deserve this match because I was not good enough. This was further emphasised by my own Mother who used to wax lyrical about said ex-husband and even told me that he was my soulmate! Bearing in mind I have always been a disappointment to my Mother, something she hides with the subtlety of a wrecking ball smashing through a pane of glass! Anyhow this feeling of never being good enough - ingested from childhood - subconsciously coloured my actions and responses in our relationship. It meant that I enabled my ex-husband to continue his life with virtually no changes, even after the birth of our child, how bloody generous of me! If I attempted to bring his awareness to things from my side, it was met with his defensiveness, then ultimately bringing my awareness back to things from his side. Well I was lucky to have him after all. I reached the stage of telling myself to just keep my thoughts to myself, clearly I’m not worth it (thank you evil inner voice). I just sucked it up, counted my bashed up blessings and carried the heck on.
 
Of course in hindsight I know I could have approached things differently. I know I missed opportunities, but I allowed my shame, anger and potentially fear to fester away, which prevented the open communication we so desperately needed. It reminds me of an Ally McBeal episode where Ally was disgusted by her date’s salad dressing dripping down his chin. Her faithful friend, romantic Renée, pointed out that Ally could have taken the napkin to his chin and made it a moment. I too missed my metaphorical napkin moments. To be fair so did he. But the thought was always there, pinned deep in my psyche that I was less than, I was not an equal. This caused the divide to become bigger and bigger. All my guards were going up, we were drifting further and further apart to reach the destination of disengagement.
 
It’s amazing how things can spiral. I remember my ex mother-in-law talking about the wife of my former husband’s friend. Mother-in-law was saying how much she wished she had hair like this woman etc. In my mind that meant this was the kind of woman she wanted for her son and in my mind that was the kind of woman he wanted. In reality when I look back that wasn’t the case at all, just my perception and insecurity. However to me at the time, this was another pointer that I was a consolation prize which I played out accordingly. Once I’d gathered up all the tiny misperceptions which I’d safely tucked away and nurtured, things were only going to play out one way. My inaccurate self-perceptions, my insecurities, my lack of confidence and lack of self-belief eventually killed not only our marriage but also our friendship. The self-fulfilling prophecy was fulfilled. Well done to me - not.
 
I have had to take a really long, damn hard look at myself with the help of therapy. I’ve learnt not to sell myself short, I’ve learnt that my feelings are valid but the key to sharing how I feel is the way I deliver that information, with timing being a factor too. However, I do wonder how many other times this has played out in my life….. Not that I’m making excuses!
 

​This question has invaded my mind numerous times recently. I know why I had a child, I wanted to help create and nurture a super special one-off individual; excited to watch them grow, flourish and see their personality develop. I knew my child and I would be learning together to find our way because in no way whatsoever did I consider myself a child expert!
 
I sometimes wonder about the motivation and intent to embark on that adventure that is parenthood. Now this is a many-sided topic but I am especially perturbed when I hear that God-awful phrase ‘Mini Me’. What the heck? Why would you want to refer to your beloved offspring as a pocket-sized version of yourself? For the record I acknowledge it has another meaning but I'm not referring to it here.  Granted said child may well share some resemblances, but you know, genetics. ‘Mini Me’ just sounds like an insult because they are not you at all! They are not the entirety of you, that would mean you have passed on your personality, neuroses, insecurities and humongous ego. Because yes you would have to have a massive ego and the vanity to believe that precious gift is all about you. They have their own identity, their own name, okay well not always because some parents think it fitting to bestow their own name upon their child. I’m not going there right now (can you sense the eye roll?), I know it’s a choice. They are actually a whole separate human being. Maybe I’m taking things out of context but I find it slightly disturbing especially knowing you can buy specific matching parent and child outfits!
 
Then there's that paediatric pressure because you are always going to have ‘those’ parents! Swapping exchanges about babies at six months old, “my little bub is already stacking blocks to recreate the Eiffel Tower”. You have to come back with a belter, “well my little pumpkin has started using a full set of cutlery, can complete a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle and is also potty training”! There you go, the flip, bang goes the magic. This is where it starts, or rather this is where it ends. You stop seeing your child’s milestones and achievements as their own, they have to live up to your expectations based on the judgement of others. Poor ‘Mini me’. It is quite heart-breaking that there are parents who really do not appreciate their children as individuals. Think how much children are picked apart for their little quirks or because they don’t follow the same developmental path as young Joe over the road. When I say picked apart I mean by their own parents, come on ‘fess up, you know you do it. Do you know how demoralising and soul-destroying that is? So this may result in your beloved flesh and blood trying to live up to your version of them, not the person they are within. You may have experienced this from your own parents. I wonder if you decided you would do things differently when you became a parent? How quickly you forget! Next time you’re about to throw your child one of those “why can’t you be more like….” inferiority inducing lines, stop and think how you felt. Now think how your child may feel and the impact your words may have. Yes we need to guide and support but not at the expense of crushing all the characteristics that make a child unique. In all honesty do you really want your child to be exactly like you? Surely we don’t want the world to be filled by copies of us!
 
As parents we need to fully open our eyes and our hearts to see the beauty of our children. Surely part of the fascination and draw of parenthood is the unfolding of a wonderful, never before seen and never to be seen again unique human being. Yes granted we have hopes and dreams for our children, but what is wrong in celebrating their individuality? When your child can show you their way of doing things or learning, why not celebrate this instead of going to the default of “that’s not the way I do it”. Crikey, my child’s level of problem solving and decision making is phenomenal. I often find myself wondering “why didn’t I think of that?” I can share this and I always commend my child on their outward and creative thinking. It’s amazing what you can learn from your kids! Also you need to remember that just because you may have trudged down a certain path in life, this does not mean your child has to follow. Your child is not here for you to repeat your life through them.
 
Okay granted, the world of parenthood is not always straightforward and for some can be complex but showing some awareness and consideration in the way we interact can go a long way. I’m not saying don’t acknowledge similarities between yourself and your child, but try and see who they are without being totally blinded by you!

​One, Two, Three...No that’s not the number of chocolates I’m threatening to consume as I eye up the box (we’d be talking double figures!), I’m talking about the number of children people choose, or not, to have. I use the word choose, but sometimes nature has other ideas and there are circumstances beyond control.
 
I chose to have one child, yes one. I repeat, I chose. Is this a criminal offence? Does this make me pariah? Well for some in society the answer would be a resounding yes! I know, how awful! You see I naively believed that I was well within my rights to make such a monumental life-changing decision. But oh no, as always there are others who feel they need to have their say. As if somehow their opinion is more valid than the person at the centre of it all. How dare you.
 
I was two days away from my birthday (late thirties) when my healthy little bundle made their appearance into the world, thirteen days past my due date. I had a lovely pregnancy; no morning sickness, no complications, it was an amazing, joy-inducing experience. How blessed I thought, especially as it was a ‘geriatric’ pregnancy. But before my child was even a year old, ‘THAT’ question was being asked. “When are you having another one?” Another what? I mean please, at least give me chance to enjoy the child I have and chance for my lady bits to forgive me. In fact it’s none of your business! I’ve always felt for people being asked that question even before I became a mother. Why do others feel they have that right to ask? You don’t know how that person may be feeling. They may actually hate motherhood and can’t face the prospect of doing it all over again! There may be medical issues, or other factors thrown into the mix.
 
What really gets me is the belief I have somehow failed my child, or I’m selfish because I haven’t produced a sibling. That my child cannot be complete, a well-developed, bona fide human in their own right without a sibling. My instincts told me I didn’t want another child. I was so grateful to conceive, have a healthy pregnancy and problem-free birth that I didn’t want to push my luck. The father wasn’t bothered either. I had a miscarriage seventeen months before my child was born and didn’t even know I was pregnant until I had the miscarriage. I nearly fell off the chair when the nurse at the NHS walk-in centre gave me the news! I just thought the heavy relentless bleeding was a sign of something else. Another reason why I felt I was lucky to actually have a child. Admittedly my child has been spoilt to some degree and can be quite opinionated. Having spent too much time in the company of adults, trying to converse as one and that is the fault of myself and his father. This has changed with age and being within different social settings, so I don’t feel it will become an issue long-term. However for others to suggest I should have had another child which may have ‘remedied’ things, need to back off. There is no should. Just because I don’t want to be part of the  2.4 brigade or whatever the ‘correct’ ratio is these days; who has the right to hold me up to that expectation anyway? I say again, choice. Admittedly if I had children when I was first ready, when I was in my late twenties, I may have had another child or two. The male side did not want a child at that point and I didn’t think it fair to get ‘accidentally’ pregnant; to me parenthood had to be a mutual agreement.
 
There is never a guarantee that siblings are going to get on and make for a harmonious household. Sometimes there is a favourite sibling who’s every whim and fancy is fulfilled, while the other is treated like an outsider and barely gets noticed. Having a sibling doesn’t prevent feelings of loneliness and isolation, it doesn’t necessarily make a child more socially aware. Children have their own personalities and you never know what you’re going to get from the lucky (or as some folk feel, not so lucky) dip. Also you cannot force them to get on or like each other, even though you want to give the impression you have the perfect family. There is no such thing. Being an only child is not something to call judgement on, it doesn’t make the child less than and neither does it make the parent(s) selfish, irresponsible or unfulfilled. Choice people, choice.