The Power of The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

​I have been reflecting on the impact this phenomenon can have as I was metaphorically slapped in the face when a revelation recently swept over me. My marriage ended and yes it was down to me on official records, of course we were both to blame but I released the guillotine. Thinking back to when our union began, I carried this sense of gratitude that he chose to be with me, almost as though I didn’t deserve this match because I was not good enough. This was further emphasised by my own Mother who used to wax lyrical about said ex-husband and even told me that he was my soulmate! Bearing in mind I have always been a disappointment to my Mother, something she hides with the subtlety of a wrecking ball smashing through a pane of glass! Anyhow this feeling of never being good enough - ingested from childhood - subconsciously coloured my actions and responses in our relationship. It meant that I enabled my ex-husband to continue his life with virtually no changes, even after the birth of our child, how bloody generous of me! If I attempted to bring his awareness to things from my side, it was met with his defensiveness, then ultimately bringing my awareness back to things from his side. Well I was lucky to have him after all. I reached the stage of telling myself to just keep my thoughts to myself, clearly I’m not worth it (thank you evil inner voice). I just sucked it up, counted my bashed up blessings and carried the heck on.
 
Of course in hindsight I know I could have approached things differently. I know I missed opportunities, but I allowed my shame, anger and potentially fear to fester away, which prevented the open communication we so desperately needed. It reminds me of an Ally McBeal episode where Ally was disgusted by her date’s salad dressing dripping down his chin. Her faithful friend, romantic Renée, pointed out that Ally could have taken the napkin to his chin and made it a moment. I too missed my metaphorical napkin moments. To be fair so did he. But the thought was always there, pinned deep in my psyche that I was less than, I was not an equal. This caused the divide to become bigger and bigger. All my guards were going up, we were drifting further and further apart to reach the destination of disengagement.
 
It’s amazing how things can spiral. I remember my ex mother-in-law talking about the wife of my former husband’s friend. Mother-in-law was saying how much she wished she had hair like this woman etc. In my mind that meant this was the kind of woman she wanted for her son and in my mind that was the kind of woman he wanted. In reality when I look back that wasn’t the case at all, just my perception and insecurity. However to me at the time, this was another pointer that I was a consolation prize which I played out accordingly. Once I’d gathered up all the tiny misperceptions which I’d safely tucked away and nurtured, things were only going to play out one way. My inaccurate self-perceptions, my insecurities, my lack of confidence and lack of self-belief eventually killed not only our marriage but also our friendship. The self-fulfilling prophecy was fulfilled. Well done to me - not.
 
I have had to take a really long, damn hard look at myself with the help of therapy. I’ve learnt not to sell myself short, I’ve learnt that my feelings are valid but the key to sharing how I feel is the way I deliver that information, with timing being a factor too. However, I do wonder how many other times this has played out in my life….. Not that I’m making excuses!